50 things that represent 1/10 of 1/1000 of 1% of me

an old list – discovered miles and metres down in my things.

1. not shaving for two days
2. growing my hair and being accused of having a mullet
3. outspokenness on evil corporate greed
4. feeling guilt over never flossing
5. never flossing
6. rounded finger nails
7. constant need to be witty
8. humourful comments no matter how unfunny I feel
9. a desire to belittle myself
10. RMTA rec.music.tori-amos
11. feeling guilt over eating sweets
12. feeling guilt over my lack of body fat
13. never-ending rants about evil christians
14. constant desire to do something
15. never knowing what to do
16. feeling like the important events in my life are surreal
17. placing importance on the physical appearance of my writing style
18. allowing myself to continue bad habits
19. knowledge of small town festivities
20. desire to be instantly liked
21. wish to record CD
22. willingness to experience pop culture stardom
23. unwillingness to feel like I’m following pop culture
24. bond with music over real people
25. desire to be included but without any sacrifice
26. uncharacteristic writing style on the internet
27. frantic checking of email
28. over-analysis of every life situation
29. desire to have a nice computer desktop
30. wanting to recycle
31. typing speed of 80+ wpm
32. unwillingness to become my own stereotype
33. late night poem writing
34. unconscious elitism through french and spanish
35. not allowing myself to say everything I want to say
36. refusing to not take an opinion
37. desire to have it all work out
38. lust for supernatural
39. flying dreams
40. the line “thrift store jungles” somehow always coming back to mind
41. obsessing over select individuals
42. pretending I don’t practice hate
43. desire to accept everyone
44. overcompensation to include those different from me
45. constant worrying what others think / believe
46. lately a rationalization of always telling the truth
47. defining myself through already made standards
48. hoping for a solution to all of life’s problems
49. weirdly spelled first name
50. insomnia

this was written on July 29/2002 – 11:08 until 11:21 pm.