deal

I made a deal with myself.

It was to feel better, because that’s the whole point. we can feel terrible, or we can feel good. we can feel some sort of combination of the two. in other words, there is a realm of opportunities for what we can be everyday. and now, I’ve decided to feel better.

feel better physically, because I was sick of being sick. I was sick of a morning routine of pain and illness and questioned stability. I was sick of the triggers that insulated my mind to the opportunities awaiting me, rather – limiting my ability to think of anything but feeling nauseous.

feel better mentally, because I was sick of feeling worn out. sick of feeling anything was a chore. sick of feeling only comfortable to not move. to sleep, to remain still and unchallenged by any external forces. I was sick of the concept of feeling down. It grew so damn tiresome.

I made a deal to feel better, and then to act on that. and so – here we go – I’m going to make it a character trait, mentally and physically, that I can survive anything, and go from there. to feel no jolts of stomach pain from the unending opportunities of stressful thoughts. to not be afraid to think and be and do and all that. I want a calm order over what I am doing. I want that map and path that I thought I had laid out years ago to find its way back to these shores, perhaps it’s been bottled by someone and thrown into the water. wherever it is, I want to find it again.