I am still here

probably why I am here,
again

I am still here.

I know the basics
and I have followed literally all the rules
and I was there.
I was marching in anticipation
of a future meant for someone I thought I was

and I am still here
not because I let them line up their guns
and fire away at the plans they had made
not because I moved out of the way when
militias came marching machetes drawn

I am still here
because I choose to be.
I choose to worship at the alter of the experience
and cherish even these evenings spent
worried about the fact that my tearducts don?t open
I choose to listen to the rumblings of traffic
and savour the aromas of the chlorinated tap water
I choose to remember the accomplishments
these same otherwise hopeless six months have brought to my border
I choose to like the fact that I made progress
I am still here because I seem to enjoy it.

probably why I am here,
thankfully.

I am still here.

because they would love my defeat
because they would find favour in my falterings
because they would martyr me in front of the crowds
because they would charge my co-conspirators
with the recklessness I would otherwise exert

I am still here.

probably why I am here,
tonight.

I have breathed in deeply
and scrunched my cheek muscles in a multitude of manners
and admired my unplanned evening agenda
and divided the indecision from the core of my being
I have relaxed,
knowing it is necessary no matter the notion
that I could somehow let it slip by
I have challenged my own tolerance
for sap and the fortunes of what
may come from this recent correspondence
I am calm,
knowing that things always find a way
to straighten me out sooner or later,
I am content,
knowing I am still here
and that I don?t want to give up.