little to no consequence but my own future

here’s the thing about my privileges.

I know a few things.  I do.  I’m not ashamed to admit that.

but here I am, a weekend spent trying to catch up on reading and really – a weekend wasted in that regard.  I tried, desperately, and found every distraction I could.

my place is fantastically clean as a result.  My laundry is done, not just folded, but put away.  I cooked.  I listened to music.  I walked.  I played with dogs.  I talked with friends.  I ate out breakfast.  I rode the bus.  I napped.  I watched movies.  I watched TV shows.

oh yeah, and I read four fucking articles.  I couldn’t read the five, oh no.  I couldn’t read the 139 pages for the class I’m about to drop, as a result of this procrastination. oh no.  I couldn’t read the two chapters for my PSCI 100 tutorial that is due in two days. oh no.  I read four fucking articles.

I am privileged because I am wearing a new bunnyhug that yeah, I didn’t need.  I am privileged because I can afford it, and the other silly things I want.

But where is the self-discipline?  I know everyone goes through these periods of doubt, but this is week one, in the place I’m supposed to be, and in the field I’m supposed to be.  And I had some basic responsibilities and duties to take care of – namely, reading.  And I don’t think I’ve succeeded at accomplishing that.

now. I’m not one to give up. (although I know I’m privileged enough to do just that: walk away and STILL have little to no consequences.)  but this has to change.

self-discipline be damned, I’m going to learn how to do this.  Just that it was perhaps a tad foolish to think it’d be accomplished overnight.

on to those three remaining pieces to read, I guess.  Coffee, anyone?